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It’s the co-dependency that hurts

There’s been a major up-leveling in my personal life in 2020, more specifically in my romantic relationship. It’s important to know that how we show up in one area of life is how we show up in ALL of our life… We might not notice it but it’s true.

My up-leveling was all about moving through codependency. We often think we are in love, and yes, that might be true but in our society,  love is often mixed with codependency. Codependency has different facets and levels but in a nutshell, the way I describe codependency is looking in someone else to feed an emptiness or need in ourselves. 

An example could be that you stop seeing friends just to spend more time with your man (or woman!) because you don’t want to lose them. You’re giving up a great time with friends in hopes of receiving love, affection or even recognition from your partner because you gave up that time to be with him/her. You secretly hope he’ll (or she’ll)  say “Oh! You did this for me!”  You literally sacrifice yourself in order to be loved. 

It’s the “need” of someone to be happy or make us feel a certain way. It can even become an addiction and/or obsession. Codependency is not exclusive to romantic relationships, codependency is everywhere. You could be overworking because you want your boss to see how good and dedicated you are. You hope he’ll (or she) will see it and give you a pat on the back or give you a promotion (I wrote a blog related to this topic before.) In this blog, I am bringing a different dimension to it this time. 

What I’m about to share is straight to the point. Codependency hurts because we compromise ourselves, we twist ourselves like a pretzel in hope to get a glimpse of what we think we want. We sacrifice ourselves and step on our self-worth and don’t realize it. We lower our standards and put ourselves down. We often agree to things we would never agree in “normal” circumstances. The pain we carry is often unconscious and so acute that we don’t realize we’re doing this. We don’t realize we tell the other person how to treat us when we let them walk all over us. We hope to get recognition or love by compromising ourselves hoping they’ll notice but chances are they really don’t see it. And they either don’t take full advantage of you or they don’t want to be with a partner that has low standards, someone who’s willing to put themselves last just to please. 

To heal from codependency, you must:

  • First become aware of your codependent behaviour and why you are acting this way (the need it's trying to fill)
  • Second, you have to understand what you're gaining from it and what you’re protecting yourself from (the pain under the need).  It’s also important to look at the real impact that this behaviour has on your life. 
  • Third, making peace with the pain/need is crucial. Only then will you be able to let go of this codependency.  The last step is fun…
  • Fourth, it’s time to step into who you truly are so you can experience what you truly want to live. 

The fourth step is all about discovering who’s that person without the wound that was driving the behaviour. What do you truly want? What do you truly love? 

One thing I am clear on now is that when you really love yourself and the other, when the relationship is healthy and balanced, the people involved respect and honour each other, they encourage and support the other. The level of intimacy is beautiful and fun. And when you get together, you create alchemy! 

If you need a mentor, a support system, guidance or coaching to go through those steps, I invite you to book a 20 minute Discovery Call with me. My expertise lies in helping people understand their humanness in order to align with the Truth of who they are!

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